The reality that marriage should be a union of two people who find love in each other and take vows to provide, protect and be together for better for worse has been put to test, as more and more couples are now seen to engage in violent disagreements, sometimes leading to the death of one or both spouses. The trend is indeed, horrifying.
The presidential pardon to Maryam Sanda, widow of the victim, Bilyaminu Bello, son of a former national chairman of the People’s Democratic Party (PDP), Haliru Bello, has raised more questions than answers to the rising issues of domestic violence, spousal killings, and violence in homes in Nigeria.
Ms Sanda was first arraigned by the Nigerian Police in November 2017 for allegedly stabbing her husband, Bilyaminu Bello, to death at their Abuja home.
During the hearings, which were marked by frequent media trials, witnesses narrated how Ms Sanda had allegedly attempted to stab her husband multiple times before his death, while she argued that the killing was not premeditated but the result of a domestic quarrel.
Similarly, the shocking death of Lt Samson Haruna, a medical doctor who was alleged to have died following a domestic accident of arson, less than 10 months after his wedding, is another unpleasant story that leaves more questions than answers for many Nigerians.
While previous allegations that broke the internet alleged the wife doused the late army personnel with petrol and lit him up, following alleged infidelity uncovered on his phone, several accounts, including a recording posted by the sister to the wife of the late officer have emerged debunking her guilt, saying the tragedy was self-imposed with allegations of abuse from the late lieutenant.
Additionally, the death of late Shimite Winifred Love, Special Adviser to the Delta State Governor on Trade and Export, who died April 21, 2025, under what have been described as mysterious circumstances, with the late Shimite’s family alleging foul play.
The husband, Love, in what he described as setting the record straight, firmly declared his innocence, citing medical reports, professional police investigations, and years of marital history as proof against the allegations surrounding him.
He also presented an autopsy report from the Nnamdi Azikiwe University Teaching Hospital, Nnewi, stating the causes of death to be Acute Left Ventricular Failure, Hypertensive Heart Disease, and aspiration pneumonitis.
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According to him, the late Mrs. Love battled enormous workplace pressures that affected her psychological and physical well-being, stating that despite her health concerns, she remained committed to her work, even personally financing a major summit before her sudden demise.
The trending news of husbands killing their wives over alleged infidelity, birthing a female child, or for money rituals is no longer strange, as the internet is replete with such stories.
Two weeks ago, the video of Fatai Quadri, violently beating and abusing his wife, was one video too many, which has continued to point to the extreme violence many couples are enduring in their marital homes.
Information in the public place revealed that Quadri and his wife are both indigenes of Ijebu Igbo and parents to four boys. The eldest son, Rilwan, is said to be married, and two other sons are in the UK, while the youngest son, Owoyemi, who recorded the incident, lives with them.
On Friday, October 3, the photo of a badly bruised and wounded woman, allegedly beaten by her husband for birthing a female child after five girls, is one that has triggered ongoing decisions about spousal violence and killings across tribes, religions, and states.
In times past, couples in abusive marriages were advised to bear on as marriage is not necessarily a bed of roses; however, more and more people are advising couples to leave abusive marriages in order to live.
BusinessDay sought the reasons behind the increasing violence amongst couples, and economic pressure, societal pressures, lack of family, legal, spiritual and psychological supports were identified as some of the reasons among several others leading to abuses and even deaths, in relationships and marriages
Edoamaowo Udeme, a journalist and domestic rights activist blamed increasing spousal violence on work-related stress, financial problems, tensions, personal dispositions like anger management issues or low self-esteem, social isolation, cultural or societal norms that may condone or perpetuate violence, and situational factors like substance abuse or economic hardship often motivated by a desire to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner.
She advised that if violence is ongoing or there’s imminent danger, professional intervention and individual support for the victim are crucial.
Udeme noted that to address these harrowing trends, a marriage can only continue, “When both partners are committed to change and violence has ceased, specialized couples counseling can help by addressing power imbalances, improving communication, and breaking the cycle of violence.
“It is important to establish trust, set boundaries, and foster mutual respect. Individual therapy is often recommended alongside couples counseling to address trauma and develop coping strategies. Healing requires patience, accountability, and a collaborative approach from both partners and professionals. Safety and empowerment must always come first.”
She noted that the Violence Against Persons Prohibition (VAPP) Act in Nigeria is moderately effective in addressing domestic violence. It criminalizes various forms of domestic abuse and provides remedies such as protection orders and compensation.
“Since its enactment in 2015, 25 states have domesticated the Act, increased awareness, and broken the silence around violence,” she said.
However, challenges persist due to limited geographic application (mainly in states that have domesticated it), inadequate law enforcement structures, lack of trained personnel, and insufficient support services for victims. While reporting has increased, the Act has not yet fully deterred offenders, indicating implementation gaps needing urgent attention
Speaking with BusinessDay, Oluwafemi Adedamola, a marriage counsellor and clergy, noted that one of the many reasons for spousal violence is that the foundational motive for many marriages is transactional.
“Each partner of the party wants something for which automatically one becomes a slave of the other. Their commitments are based on transient and ephemeral variables,” he said.
He also noted that the personality of spouses matters, noting that “When two thugs marry, violence will be the norm in their home. It is self-delusion to expect peace from two questionable characters who met at a questionable place, under questionable circumstances, and got married on questionable terms.
Other factors could include background deficiency, inferiority/superiority complex, and insecurity, jealousy/unfaithfulness, immaturity, culture lopsidedness, inner frustration and depression, competition, peer influence, addictions, emotional attachment, economic slavery, and medical issues, among others.
He advised that the solutions to spousal violence should include a statutory marital requirement must requires a long stretch of education,a medical test, and an understanding of the law. The process must test understanding and guarantee commitment.
He added that, as a means of addressing spousal violence, consequences must be tied to the total well-being of the perpetrator.
“The offender must lose economic power, which is to say his job or certificate of professional standing must be withdrawn. He/she stands the consequence of a national blackmail which goes into his record and reflects on the international passport and all other national data banks.”
He urged that the law must put the burden of reporting early on the victim; otherwise, the victim will also be punished for being an accomplice. However early report should mean mediation intervention and not prosecution.
Repeated acts can then be criminalized; culture and religion must stress more of the responsibility of mutual honour, sacrifice, patience, tolerance, and peace than the lopsided, domineering emphasis on hierarchy and control.
Whatever it is, as society continues to seek solutions to the increasing violence amongst spouses, it is no gainsaying that parties must seek solutions by ensuring violence is nipped in the bud, before it gains ground, and where the violence escalates and becomes life-threatening, people must learn to “leave to live.”
